My bank account said “Hell No” but, my heart said “Yes”. December 31, 2011

Acceptance:

So, What happens if we release ourselves from the belief that we control our destiny? What really happens if we get vulnerable enough to just let life lead, rather than trying to mold an image of our “ideal”? What is the outcome of Surrendering To, rather than Manipulating or Creating a definitive for, living?

!

Well… In January 2011 I thought it would be a compelling “life-experiment” to genuinely exercise a “Yes Man” philosophy. I was inspired by the 2008 Jim Carrey movie which, for me, presented a provocative approach to letting the future happen, rather than forcing upon it an idea of what it “should” be. I decided that ANY opportunity presented would be a new chance for me to say Yes rather than No… and so, I did. For one year I Accepted, I surrendered, and I said “Yes”… to nearly everything. I decided that I had to do it whole hearted with no exceptions to the most minimal of requests. There were definitely unforeseen obstacles to this challenge, as it is simply impossible to be in more than one place at a time, therefore a few sacrifices were inevitable. But, for the majority of my year I took on what was presented, as The Challenge, with open eyes and a…

Side note:

In a lot of ways, I feel, I was born a happy person. When life threatened my optimism there seemed to be a strong grounding force that enabled me to remember the joys, even in times of sorrow, that come with living. Even with an innate inclination to see the positive, rather than negative, I accredit much of this to my parents. Being loved, as a child, really conditioned me to feel empowered in self exploration. Mid 2010 I consciously decided that no amount of financial security gained, in any “job” that wasn’t maximizing my potential, was worth it. So, basically I had already begun a process of relinquishing the fear of “being poor” to the prospect of “gaining happiness”. I knew that unless my energy was being spent in a way that satisfied, fulfilled, or prompted a better me, it would serve me (or the world) no good. So, my 2011 decision to go Yes had no bearing on feeling a depressed sense of my-self. It was strictly a desire to broaden my understanding of happiness and possibly discover new approaches to living out the rest of my time here…

The first six months of my year consisted of: Simultaneously teaching dance and returning to school full time. This was no small task, and at times I felt I might lose my mind, but it was one of the most gratifying things I’ve ever done. Alongside completing 2 semesters with a 4.0, I relished in what seemed like an onslaught of invites. I found myself rallying in parades, attending music festivals, house/dog/baby sitting, making trips to Hawaii, San Francisco, and Arizona- and spending a copious amount of time with my beautiful family. Amidst the chaos of now saying YES to things I fell madly in love with bike riding after accepting an invitation to train and ride across, my hometown, Iowa in Ragbrai 2012. One thing was certain… Money was no longer a determinant, or hindrance, to my happiness. I didn’t have a lot of it, but what I did have was taking me to beautiful places!

Windows were being smashed and doors were being busted down as I learned the art of habitual acceptance. I couldn’t remember a time when I was invited to more “gatherings”, dinners, events, or occasions in my life. It seemed like I was never not doing something. The truth was that I had been given those opportunities before but, my normal self would have declined nearly 75% of those chances, to share with others, out of the joy I found in being alone. Because I was now saying Yes, I was finding myself ABLE to relate to more people, as well as relearning to enjoy the company of others. This was an important step in rebuilding a relationship of trust with the outside world. For many years I have built sturdy walls (of distrust) to protect myself from getting hurt by others. Only now can I see how limiting this is and how much more rewarding it is to embrace difference and find commonality in sharing the beauty of life, Together.

To be quite frank, there came a point mid year, where I wondered if I would be able to handle the true task of being a “Yes Man”. At times it was exhausting but, I was finding myself in a happy place. In retrospect, the “people filled” early portion of my year perfectly contrasted the solitude I found in the later part of 2011. It was becoming clear to me that my ability to accept what was offered, and embrace the people I came into contact with, was influencing the direction of my tomorrows. In April, I was given an opportunity to volunteer in Bali, by a professor I met fulfilling a GE requirement during winter session. It was the perfect chance to put the “Yes” into action. My bank account said “Hell No” but, my heart said “Yes”. And, through the generosity of others I departed on July 30th, headed to South East Asia, on a journey that would forever change my life.

When I decided to leave the country I thought I would be returning a month later with another epic travel story. This couldn’t be farther from what actually happened. As I boarded the plane I had a distinct premonition that this “Trip” was going to Guide me rather than the other way around… and it absolutely did. I was offered a place to volunteer in Thailand for the 3 months in September, traveled up and down that country, and then returned to Bali after presented with an extended opportunity to return in late November. Leaving the country was a choice, but staying abroad has been more like a “happening”. Financial support was offered to me before my departure and since then, I’ve been living on land and eating that which has been lovingly offered- in exchange for volunteering my time and energy- and saying Yes!

What the “Yes” taught me:

For almost half a year I’ve come to terms with what it actually means to say “Yes” in a very intense way. And, i recognize, it is very different than the “Yes” i was spouting early on in this experiment. It is one thing to oblige an offer, it is another drastically different thing to shed all contemplation in saying “No”. The options many of us have been granted are an endless blessing but, it is more about how we have decided to negate the simple acknowledgment of having these choices that seems to have led us astray. If the world around us doesn’t allow any option to say “No” then we are left with one alternative… a big fat, positive, YES! To Everything… and so, I have not returned to America because I’ve been extended an opportunity to stay until March. And, I figure… It would be entirely counterproductive to go an entire year with a yes motto and then, in the final moments of 2011, respond by saying No. So, here is where I shall stay for now.

Much of what has been gained is due to my exposure and absorption of these other cultures. Amongst many things, the way I define poverty has been altered and it has only been by immersing myself in, what people from developed nations would consider, “impoverished” areas that I began to reanalyze. The clear difference in way of life is everywhere. What these people make, in wages, they earn through manual labor. But, they do so with smiling faces. When I asked a local worker how they maintain such positive spirits here he said… “We are all the same”. And then it made sense how people who work this hard can be so generous, kind, and giving by nature. They embody Namaste. And their smiles exude its meaning: “I salute or recognize your presence or existence in society and the universe.” Because they live by a moral code, that views others as reflections of themselves, happiness is harnessed through, with, and in each other. This monumental display of empathy epitomizes understanding and transcends the scope of Love. Having been given the chance to simply live, and breath the same air, as people who think like this has expanded my perception of… Everything!

In a brilliant way this year long experience/experiment has not molded a new person out of me. It, instead, has drawn me closer to understanding the root of the original person, I was, that felt compelled to say Yes. The entire experience proves to have been more of a “process” rather than a singular revelation. It showed me that accepting life, as it perfectly reveals itself, is really the most efficient way to the most happiness. It was important for me to learn how to find balance in welcoming and guiding my direction. It taught me how to prioritize that which was bringing joy to my life, by removing that which was mere distraction. Every grasped moment altered, in some way, my interpretation of how I function in this world. As I grew one year older I simply got more educated as to how I react to the world around me.

Ironically, the Yes Philosophy has instigated me to say No Thank you to “aging” in its commonly held translation. This new concept of “age” radically enabled me to reject the fear that instinctively comes with “getting older”. I am dissolving hesitation by adhering to a belief that there is no singular time frame, in our existence, that deems us more (or less) appropriate to do any (and all) things we feel inspired to pursue. There is a distinct difference between living rationally out of assimilated knowledge, and allowing a number to dictate what can be accomplish. By removing from my imagination the amount of candles I perceived, as currently residing on my invisible Birthday Cake, it has enabled me a new sense of growing younger. And the lesson I’ve learned is that … In order for me to be the happiest person I can be, for the rest of my days, it is not about learning how to be “more of an adult” in comfort but, in re-remembering how to be a child again by getting uncomfortable. And so, that is what I am choosing to do by Re- discovering this world with childlike eyes.

Redefining the word LOVE:

As children we are taught the basic structure of nearly everything… Most of this we never need, or use. However, somehow we never gain understanding on what love, something that permeates every ounce of us, really means. Because our society has skipped out on articulating this valuable principle- we have been left to figure it out on our own. Because of this, we have been left bewildered with regards to a prime necessity to attaining collective, and individual, happiness…. Love- A thing that absolutely Must flow in and out of self, as much as it moves through, and with other people.

When we let the magnitude of love, we openly give and receive, to be dominated by the way we were “raised” we allocate too much power in a thing of the past. When we place blame on others for “becoming” this way, we are really rejecting the essence of unconditional love. When we consume ourselves in a feeling of being love-deprived, we remain in a subtle state of lacking. Over time this manifests itself in our own inability to accept the people around us for everything they are (or were) able, or unable, to provide. It is when we choose to see people as something outside of their real self that we sense a feeling of undernourishment. And until we get a clearer understanding of what it means to love, and be loved in return, we will continue to search. It commonly begins with the way we perceive, blame, or judge our parents. Early on we forget their true nature as human beings, just as capable of making mistakes, and rather place them as figments of some fallacious reality. If you were not given the love you felt you required, as a child, then harness it in adulthood by expressing more of it to the people around you. We have to resist placing expectancy on others to fill voids we feel they should be fulfilling.

Real Love is UNCONDITIONAL… it accepts the reality of flawed human qualities. It is important to diagnose our inclination to insist people be in our lives the way we feel most suitable by requiring a certain “kind of love”, from them, who it may feel unfamiliar. Furthermore, there is an infinite amount of love. When we start identifying the genuine roles, that specific people are able to play in our lives, we can embrace their love as unspecified and find that it encompasses everything we need to sustain our craving for connection. Unconditional Love, of self and for others, is a process of discovering a balance between forgiving and embracing the true nature of our existence.

We All have a “Story”:

No matter where you came from, or where you thought you would be “by now”, one thing is obvious…where you are headed is dominated strictly by the compass you allow yourself to follow TODAY. If it is one of imagination, creativity, individualism, strength, love, and happiness… the road can only lead to a greater acquisition of those things. If we are propelled by, the prospect or accumulation of more, material possessions, money, ego, or approval… we remain on a road of perpetual “wanting”. In this case, contentment is unattainable and the feeling of True happiness diminished. It is within grasp to take responsibility for our current state of happiness. Because, ultimately we are the masters of our emotions. We govern our today. And, only we can claim merit in being truly happy. Everyday we cultivate the nature of the path we are on and, the journey it encompasses is dominated by the true intentions of what we seek to find along the way…

So, if we find ourselves unhappy in the lives we are living, we have to do something about that. If we find ourselves surrounded by people we don’t feel bring joy to our lives than we have to reevaluate what it is we are looking for in other people. If we find ourselves in relationships clouded by too much, or not enough, love… we have to go and find that ideal balance. If we are stuck in a job that does not allow us to express, or studying a subject that doesn’t ignite our senses …. we have to find the things that do. The world needs us to be happy, and the only way to get there is to LET GO of expectations we feel have been placed on us, and be content with how WE define HAPPINESS. Above all else… we must be patient with ourselves. Growing is something that comes to us. So, we must not attempt to fast forward through our lives. In order to fully embrace the process of evolving (in our own time) we must negate comparing our progress to anyone else. How we nurture our inner self is the only thing that will ever truly bring us the satisfaction of a life well lived and real comprehension of “happy”.

Projections and Judgement:

There simply is no existence of: “right and wrong” or “yes and no”. There never has been, and never will be only two options for living. However, we have been fostered into accepting this misconception from conception. I was very much intrigued by the Thai language which has no word for “No”. Instead, they use two words, Mai Chai which mean “Not Yes”. I find this even more interesting when thinking about children. America thrives on condemning its kids to a life of “No”. It instills, in us, an early sense of fear with regards to just about everything. If a child is living fearful of a world that constantly says “No”, won’t that inevitably breed a teenager that experiences less of the qualities associated with feeling “Yes”? And if that teen then grows up to be an adult that understands only a “Right or Wrong” approach to life… won’t that person tend to be overtly consumed in judgement? A judgement that penetrates self love and permeates the root of self worth. It is overtly clear how this cyclical misconstruction could have stifling effects on the building of healthy self esteem.

It is not a versus game. There is no necessity in the “me against the world” mentality. We’ve got to reconcile difference to see clearly that we are all made of the same stuff… and once we feel the synergy of togetherness we can embrace our uniqueness to its fullest. It is all about transcending the limitations of thinking we exist in singularity to become part of a collective happiness. Because, then how the world views us will reach beyond “caring” what other people think. It can become a philosophy for living. When we accept the fact that our “image” is genuinely reflected by our actions, then we start acting in the best interest of projecting the image we wish to be perceived.

There is a reason the world views us in certain ways. Whether fond or not…the things that people notice, in us, are the things that shine blatantly in their faces. If you are filled with love, people feel that love. If you project insecurity, insecure is what you become, and the rest of the world will feel that as well. There is just no other, way to be, than just You. So, if you aren’t content with the person you are, at this time, get comfortable and find any means necessary to do so. Take incentive to fall in love with yourself. Because, once you do, it will change your life and this world will be better because of it.

Releasing the Fear:

Be fearful no more. Do not allow other people to have authority over the amount of joy you are able to receive at any given moment. Happiness is self prescribed. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is live a life that is true to our individual nature. If we seek a happiness that exists as the invention of another person than We will Always be left feeling hollow. When we admit that our life should reflect our OWN desire, our OWN need to express, and complete our OWN need to be whole…. we will find our OWN personal fulfillment. This is the only way to be free.

Liberate the Inner Child:

We ought to be utilizing media as a tool for sharing True self expression… anything else is just means to feed a hungry ego. The following video is an expression of unconditional self love. It is also an illustration of acknowledgment and acceptance for the people I share this world with. It is strictly meant for the purpose of self liberation and in no way reflects a desire for adoration. It is not a matter of Courage but, rather, a matter of releasing the very notion that while we are here we have to be something we are not.

It is dedicated to every child, over the last decade, I have ever taught a dance, choreographed a musical number for, or was paid to make move the way other people thought they “should”. In the process of freeing myself, I post this as an attempt to instigate some other viewer a chance to recognize their own freedom. I choose no longer to give criticism, judgement, and scrutiny the power to dictate my idea of “self”. The only reason we ever decided to stop being true to the people we are inside, was based on fear of what the outside world would think. It is not about being oblivious to personal weakness but, instead recognizing strength. This is a matter of reevaluating that which is important to us. Be aware of the tendency to judge and simply release the burden of giving, or receiving, approval. Only you can validate yourself with a clear and sober mind. Reject escapism and learn to love yourself by enjoying life without the need to be: constantly entertained, under the influence, or given permission by “someone else”. No one but you can be the spark that sets you free.

So, to all of my students, I say… The world wants you just the way you are! Express Yourselves. Express your Mind, Express your Art, Express your Desire, Express your Happiness, Express your Dis-Comfort or Dis-Ease, Express it ALL! And do it without restraint. And, in a manner that suits the interest of your personal expression. Forget “Dance like no one is watching”, LIVE like no one is Watching. Because, Letting Go is all you need to do to find the life you always wanted to live. Don’t march to the beat of another drum… Create your very own rhythm. And once you do…be proud of it, HEAR IT, And then… dance, in bliss, like you don’t care if the the whole world watches…

To my Family, The Beginning of My Beginning…

As I sought to expand, the me I knew, I discovered the requisite in having a solid system for support. And so, To my family…Every bit of happiness I feel, every moment of beauty expressed, or day that has passed in the last 5 months… has brought me closer to discovering the love i hold for you. It is beyond human comprehension how deeply my soul is moved by what is ours, this thing we call “A Family”…words do it no justice. Thank you for enveloping me in a world of Trust, Laughter, Love, and Humility. You were the instigators of all the beauty I’ve ever known, you were the bud of the first flower of love ever planted in my heart, and you were the ones who allowed me to ignite the fire in these eyes, that burns brightly, at a life I am so absolutely proud to call mine. The 3 of you have been the greatest “experiences of my life”… thank you.

Dear 2011,

I am indebted to this year for showing me my-self. I am grateful for all that was seen, experienced, and shared. Never have I felt so utterly blessed to be me, and surrounded by such love. I welcome the new year with a humbled heart and open mind…

With Love,
Gina

For Your Viewing Pleasure December 13, 2011

The following videos were taken at Wat Kui Buri School, in Kui Buri, Thailand. Over the span of 2 months I taught 5 classes of children, ranging from ages 4-14, while living at the temple. This is where I was, this is a part of what I did, these were some of the faces I grew to love, and these were some of our moments together…

A Day in a Thai Classroom:

Animal Activity:

I know an Old Lady:

How am I feeling? in Thailand:

A Day in a Thai Classroom with an American Volunteer:

Teddy Bear in Thailand:

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

On the weekends Mallory and I stayed at the Temple of Phra Ajhan Den in Thapsake, Prachuap Khiri Khan where we offered English Classes to the local Children:

Good Morning in Thailand:

Morning Dance in Thailand:

Do Re Mi in Thailand:

The following video is a simple walk from the School, back to my Room at the Wat, at the end of my teaching day.
A Walk with a Volunteer in Thailand:

On my last day at the school I was overwhelmed, with love, by one of the most heartfelt displays of gratitude I have ever witnessed. As I arrived to school on this day I noticed that the students were not in the classroom as usual but, instead, they were waiting to give me roses. Almost all of over 100 students greeted and thanked me for my time there. It was a morning that brought on tears of gratitude and happiness. I was stunned as each teacher saw me off with blessings, gifts, flowers, food, and love. Because many of my students had never learned how to spell their own names in English I made that a priority. It took a combined effort between me and teachers to figure out pronunciation and spelling but, we did it. For every single one of my students. And so, I made name cards for each of them with their first and last names in English so they could forever, from that point on, find their identity in this new language. I had also spent the previous week making picture collages, of my 2 months at the school, as My thank you to them. My desire was to give my students something tangible to hold onto after my departure. If, after my leaving, they could look at just one of those pictures and reminisce a happy time… then it served its purpose. I know what was exchanged at this school will live in the hearts of both me and my students for…ever. There are no words to describe my gratitude to the children at this school. I couldn’t possibly put it into words. This experience made me a better teacher and a better person. Thank you.

Before I left we did one final lesson, and song, about the meaning of “Friendship”. When asked to draw a picture of their Friends, this little girl drew a picture of me. Her name is Jitkanya.

And one last Hokey Pokey for the Road!

If someone asked me why I am compelled to do what I am doing right now I would simply show them this picture:

or maybe this one:

But, really…this little girl has a smile that says more than any of my words ever could:

So Why do I blog? I blog for me, I blog for you, I blog for them. I blog for us all. Because, every single thing we do in life is an exchange of energy. By documenting this journey I can only hope to expand the scope of this experience, and my own energy, to incorporate as many people, as are open to receiving through understanding. As much as my time in South East Asia has been a personal journey, it is a collective experience. What I am able to give, I will give. And what I am able to share from that giving, I will share. This is my goal. I am grateful for the eyes that have read this.

A Time and A Place for the F word December 1, 2011

Breaking with tradition, the following post may be highly disturbing for some to read- and for that I sincerely apologize. And with that disclaimer out of the way, I believe it is in our best interest to get “uncomfortable” at times to expand our sense of compassion and understanding. This is precisely why I am compelled to make this post….

A Rant with regards to: Pigs, Beaches, Fish, Stray Dogs, Chickens, Elephants and Humans:

Five months abroad has inevitably altered my perspective. As I began witnessing (and experiencing) the world from new vantage points, reality became “more real” and “more clear”. The amount of “stuff” we fill our time doing, without rationale, is outweighing our understanding in the mechanism of cause and effect. This seems to have had a direct correlation to the insurmountable number of humans trotting the globe “in search of” something. In the hungry pursuit to suffice personal cravings- we have lost the heart we “could” have had for others and, the love we absolutely need in ourselves to be positive models in society.

The Pigs:
I am mind fucked by the notion that people don’t have enough issues to deal with- that they feel a compelling “right” to dominate other living creatures. Dismantling existence and interrupting life by killing…For what? Is Money, Power, or Ego worth that much? Aren’t we busy enough just trying to be happy individuals? Don’t we have enough contemplation and healing work to do in our selves? But, still- we persist on pestering the “others”…

November 5, 2011: “I should have never gone down that road. I knew it would shake me up- but, I did. A part of me wanted to be upset. When I turned down “The Road” I initially tried to avoid it and then…I “let go” of my fear and turned around. Why? Because the ugly exists, and just because I don’t “want” to witness it… won’t make it less of a reality. When I approached the Slaughter house, stomach began to turn, and immediately I questioned my U-Turn. I saw them laying, practically lifeless, with paint splattered on their backs like targets. They were just there…laying in their own shit just “waiting” to be dead. I could feel the blood draining from my face. Brut force instigated the squeals of agony and instantly I recognized this animal as an equal in its full recognition of pain. Sickness took over every cell in my body as I realized my pure compassion could not remedy this situation. Not a damn thing could be done. The road was a dead end…and the only way out was to revisit the nightmare. Upon my return… I noticed a truck. And this truck made me even more ill than I had already become. Pigs… jammed into mini- compartments, 2 layers in fact, piled in there. In a bottom crevice I could see them squished even tighter. This space was no bigger than a small nook…any normal sized toddler would have been cramped! Liquid was running down from everywhere! And their asses… packed together like, well… Meat. Because, technically, now-a-days that is what they are perceived as. Meat for hungry people, who have plenty of resources to choose from that don’t include killing live creatures but, who choose to do so. I have been disturbed. And bothered beyond belief…I was beyond myself. Crying wouldn’t have solved anything so, all I did was get fired up. I rode the shit out my bike, all the way up to the temple on the hill, fighting the urge to scream. When I got there…I realized how important it is to express an incident like this. So, I’m writing. And then… I thought about the utter insanity of what us “humans” have become.” My suggestion… Save a Pig, Eat Tofu.

How the hell did it get this way? Where did it all get so twisted? Or were we always meant to be this way to find our way out of it? Are we so completely demented in our climate, compassionately absent, and so totally (totally) absorbed in “self”- that “life” literally means nothing to us? From where I’m standing- even the smallest of creatures deserves the “right” to exist, does it not? I feel caught in a global musical production with all cast members vying for the chance to play the “Creator who Destructs”. And this lonely chorus of bleeding hearts- rather than get fired up enough- for emotions to harness positive change- we just don’t do a damn thing. Harbored Compassion. We go on with our days- with our pleasure seeking nature- with our lives. Because, all of it- all of the twisted ways- they aren’t really directly “Our Problems”. Sometimes, it all seems too fucking Large to swallow and too fucking distant to be directly correlated to our own, personal, well-being. But, it isn’t far away from us… it is so close we could taste it, if we decided to let it have an effect. But, so often we don’t… and instead…we go numb. We numb every bit of ourselves, with ignorance or pleasure, just so we can cope.

The Elephant Torture in Thailand is no new news however, I saw first hand how, it continues to be fed by hungry tourists paying loads of money to occupy their frazzled minds. I am baffled that people can watch these “sideshow acts” without questioning how these Elephants are actually doing these things. It is clear that they were never meant to be domesticated in this way. Clearly elephants weren’t made to paint pictures, sit like dogs, be ridden, or confined in an environment clearly unsuitable for their large body structures. But, instead of responding to nature…these “Elephant Trainers” use sharp iron rods to show authority and intimidate them, out of their own strength, from the minute they are born. How else are humans expected to challenge such intensely powerful creatures without a little blood being shed? Perhaps we should take the bonnets off their heads, people off their backs, chains off their necks… and get them back to the place they were meant to be…nature. Please don’t spend your money supporting this rampant business of exploitation. My suggestion is volunteering at the Elephant Nature Park- (http://www.elephantnaturepark.org/) a Rescue and rehabilitation center for Elephants in Chiang Mai, Thailand- devoted to healing these magnificent creatures. It’s time to stop being paying witnesses of animal abuse and start being a part of positive, progressive, mental adjustment….

Fish Spa: Yea… so… wanna know how they get these little tiny fish to eat all of the dead skin off your feet? They starve them to near death. Worth the price? While living in Pai I saw what happened when a local Fish Spa owner decided to take a weekend vacation. I guess she assumed that starving them a little longer than usual wouldn’t be of harm. But, upon her return, every single one of her fish was dead. She went out of business that week. Now obviously this is an extreme case of negligence, not to mention bad business, but it gives one an idea of the sort of people willing to run these “fish spas”. You can’t really walk 2 blocks in Thailand without passing about a dozen of these places… where the main objective is simple profit. The clear crisis is the sad mistreatment of these fish.

I suggest the Loofah…

On the topic of Stray Dogs…
If anyone reading this post has any connection to an animal rights organization that does work in South East Asia… could you please forward this message along: THE DOGS IN THAILAND NEED HELP! They need to be fixed, to prevent future generations from suffering the immensely sad life of a dog born in Thailand. I can’t say, at this point, that the notion of eating them is any worse than how I saw them being treated alive. Thousands upon thousands of: mangy, disfigured, diseased, dogs wander the streets in search. They are food, shelter, and LOVE deprived. I was saddened that, because locals are barely able to support themselves, large liters of puppies are dropped off at nearby Temples. In 2 months of living at the Wat I saw close to 20 abandoned dogs enter the scene. Tragically, when the temple (or community) does not have means to feed them…they are poisoned in the night. Problem sadly solved. If there is one thing that can be done… it is to reduce the amount of puppies that are brought into this reality by getting them fixed. My suggestion is… Support Animal Rights Organizations Abroad, if your dog isn’t fixed… get it fixed and if you desire to be a pet owner… rescue one! There is absolutely no need to spend a significant amount of money (to purchase a genetically modified tea cup sized dog) when there are literally hundreds and thousands of love starved strays in search of a home.

and Chickens…
so many chickens! All over the place! Born to wait…they are tied to each other by the ankles, left in the pouring rain, huddled in a small corner, just waiting to not exist. This is not driven with intent to condemn carnivores, as I spent a large portion of my life consuming meat but, simply to advocate alternatives. A gradual reduction of meat intake shows positive physical and environmental affects. So, why not start with eliminating chicken as the main course?

These humiliating realities prove how strongly our angst, as a race, has infected the people we “choose” to be. This complete and utter disregard for the living has inevitably- and inadvertently- caused major internal side-effects. If we are not loving those “things” around us… can we possibly be honoring the innate dignity of our own, singular, existence?

Paying Attention to Nature:

My current migration back to Bali gave me a near panic attack when I saw the state of disaster that is Kuta Beach:
This tourist “hot spot” has been ransacked by traveling party-goers who neglect, the dirty beaches and murky waters overflowing with, reminisce of their “good times”. This beautiful place has been littered and cluttered to oblivion. I found myself (yet again) overwhelmed and fired up so, I decided to do trash cleanup the next morning. I was welcomed and thanked by locals who are inevitably left to pick up garbage. As I helped them cleanup after visitors, on the land they live and work on, I was embarrassed to be a foreigner. I wondered why there were not more travelers willing to grab some bags, and hit the beach… when it was undeniably clear it needed help! It was refreshing to see so many local hands on board. But, trash will continue to recycle itself on different shores until we “tourists” realize that a “tourist destination” doesn’t make it less of a priority, to keep clean, on this one planet we live.

As I filled bags and bags of trash I thought about how each piece of rubbish was one less intrusion on nature and then… i realized i was getting a tan at the same time, working my abdominal muscles, and getting a view of the ocean! It really is such a gratifying process! My suggestion is… We take as much initiative to have fun in life as we do recognizing what is lost at the expense of our fun. Grab a bag and pick up a piece of trash…I promise…. it feels so good.

The power has totally gone to our heads. Whatever we choose to call it, this- Materialistic, Capitalistic, Industrialized- race of humans is past the point of delirious. We have lost all sense of individual power in worrying about who, other than us, holds the power. We’ve become mere spectators of life. While we continue betting on who is screwing who in the power field we, as the observers of life, are the ones getting screwed- in every direction. But, have we not learned from the past? It all inevitably heads in the same direction…Together. So, if we decide to acknowledge, but not absorb, collective devastation… does it fuck us more or less on an independent level? I’d venture to say that when we stop internally debating “who” has “more”, and start “recognizing” our “own”, we will rationalize the power to be and let be – giving happiness an equal chance to externally reign and prosper.

Rant Continued:
Back to the Pigs and while I’m at it…On the Topic of Humans:

“Let the “Peace” of the Peaceful exist. And well, You… you can have your “Piece” – of whatever is worth killing for. I realize there are those who argue “human” life is much more a sacred thing than the hogs- but I emphatically beg to differ… IT IS ALL ABOUT THE PIGS! In more ways than I can count…It is written on the face of every imprisoned animal that was never given a life to live as they were granted. Through controlling the controllable….the same has been true in humans. The condition of our current world order has compelled us further and further from our natural state… It is etched on the stoned faces of millions of kids who never learned how to express themselves, raised in front of the TV, and then “diagnosed” for curiosity.“Zombied” teenagers, dehumanized, via prescription drugs with a notion that life has to be depressing. Adults are confined to the regimented chore of being everything the world thinks we “should be” rather than expressing what we “want” to be. And because of this expectation- we seek life partners to function as our “sources” of happiness rather than to support attained inner fulfillment.

But, Happy people are scary. They threaten tradition, religion, organization and power. Most importantly, wide-range happiness would instigate the dissolution of an imbalanced power structure that continues to dominate our lives… There is no university, career, or person to answer the questions we so desperately need answering. “It” has taken over every part of us and, now, there is no place to run but deep inside. And although, often times we do not like what we see, the truth is there. So, we Must bury ourselves in it. Bury ourselves… in self worth, love, kindness, and compassion to seek refuge in greater awareness through heightened consciousness.

As a child, no teacher emphasized that I could be just as happy poor as I could be rich. They never said… Do what you love, find a smile in every single day, and try to be the best damn person you can be. They said… pass this test because our school needs “the funds”. Well screw the paper! It was because my family never had “the funds” that I realized the real threat of money- be it a replacement for connection, love, or self expression. At times we were poor but, we were always fucking happy together! And full… full of Love. Because…

As we search for like-minded people, rationalizing where decency went, we feel like nothing on earth is changing. The power of Greed, Money, and Manipulative energy continue to Trump the Heart in us. The spirit of lonely people aimlessly travel the world searching to find compassion, kindness, and humility somewhere… but, it Could be Everywhere! Let the rest of the world fight over who’s pile of shit is bigger- incarcerating or bombing innocent people, accusing truth speakers of treason, steeling oil, battling over color, forgetting the poor, neglecting the children, starving the hungry and walking by the homeless…but, choose not to be a part of it. The most we can hope to do is continue to LOVE the hell out of life. That is the only option I see fit at this time.

Avoid becoming a part of the mess, acknowledge the pigs, love the insect, find happiness in your small existence and… make your life worth it! No matter how warped the outside may get…do it for yourself. Because, the pigs matter. We matter. And this race- if it could ever get its heads out of its asses- matters. IT All MATTERS! But, in order to fully realize the magnitude of everything, of all, we must be willing to lose all. We must disassemble our personal dependency on the external aspects of living to facilitate a healthier internal structure. And then, and only then, will we understand what we have been given by simply being born. Then…we can realize how profound we “could” be, should we “choose” to accept. And then we can fully grasp the importance of each individual pig that is currently awaiting the slaughter house. Maybe even finally “getting” the “it” of the “whole” we all search to obtain…

Stop killing and Start Living
Stop judging and Start Loving.
Open the Mind- Release the Heart.
Free yourself from being a sheep before you become the Pig.

I realize that much of what has just been written may be met with judgmental eyes and mouths that utter: “Oh there goes Gina on her “tree hugging” rant about the “animal thingy”. But, this is My blog and so… I have chosen to write about this. And you, as the reader, have a choice… to absorb or refute by letting any of this, or none of it, affect your future reactions to the cycle of life. Be it what it will…

it will be what it is…
we reap what we sow,
always have,
always will.

110 Days in South East Asia November 17, 2011

One hundred and ten Mystical days in South East Asia have me basking in still appreciation. I am soaking up the remainder of my Thailand stay in Ban Krud, by the ocean, delighting in the aftermath of new knowledge, new adventures, new insights, and a new me- To put it simply: This place has instigated the birth of an entirely richer person with an incredibly enhanced view of the world, it’s people, and this thing I call Myself. Amid the bliss, I am finding many challenges in merging my past perception of life with my current state of perceiving. My current reality is no longer dictated by the hands of a past (or future) clock- but merely, by the present. And in grasping the magnitude of absorbing life to its fullest, in the very moment it is being lived, I find myself forced to consistently dismantle this thing called: ego. Re-arranging my energy to find every bit of positive in this positively charged world has never been easier- and I feel absolutely blessed to feel the warmth of these last 110 days in my soul. This is my Thank You to Thailand…

“49”. GRB. 11/9/11

How can the words of my mind
express a feeling in my bones?
Where-ever can they turn to find expression-
when they are Felt?

On this day-
All I can simply say is-
Thank You.

Gratitude
fills me up
with anew-
kind-of-thanks

It Wraps me up in the dewy Morning,
Sings me a soft tune mid-Day,
and finds me,
Peacefully,
at Night.

The Power to Know-
Appreciation.
In its true form-
a Blessing.

it can not be measured,
nor deduced on paper-
the Smile it brings my Soul,
To Be Grateful.

Thank you-

So Simple to say-
so rarely,
genuinely,
spoken.

Thank You.

Deeply meaningful
yet,
tossed around forgetfully-
with-out
true-Intent.

For-
to simply Be Thankful,
every single day,
is far greater than our ability to give thanks.

As is the impact
Releasing Pure Gratitude
will have
Far after the Thanks has been uttered.

from our bones,
through our hearts-
and out into this world.
Thank You.

And the Greatest Gift of Thailand was always what I had to come to realize in myself…

“48”. GRB. 11/9/11

I do not move With the Wind -
I Am the wind.
and Yet,
I am Not The Wind -
I am Every-Thing.
All things am i.
Free. to Be-
As separate,
or As together,
With this Knowledge -
Daily.
as I choose to believe -
I Am.
the living-ness of all Alive-ness
is embodied in my One Life.
Just as I find This-self,
i see One-self,
And the Truth in
knowing My-self
leads to a belief
in only One.
existence.
One -
mind.
One Universal Motive:
Truth.
In person,
in Logic,
in Spirit.
I Am the “all” of the Whole I Feel-
Whole am I.
For I am Not The Wind-
I Am -
everything.

My heart is Happy. Thank you Thailand. Heading back to Indonesia and returning to Bali with new eyes…

Song of the Soul November 9, 2011

One month in Pai has me speechless, word-less, but- absolutely overflowing with Happiness and Gratitude. My vocabulary seems ill-equipped to articulate all that my being wishes to express. Therefore, with a clear mind and grateful heart, all I can do is share words that resonate perfectly with what I have come to realize…

Atma Shatakam (Song of the Soul)
by Ādi Śaṅkarācārya

I am neither ego nor reason, I am neither mind nor thought,
I cannot be heard nor cast into words, nor by smell nor sight ever caught:
In light and wind I am not found, nor yet in earth and sky -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no name, I have no life, I breathe no vital air,
No elements have moulded me, no bodily sheath is my lair:
I have no speech, no hands and feet, nor means of evolution -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss in dissolution.

I cast aside hatred and passion, I conquered delusion and greed;
No touch of pride caressed me, so envy never did breed:
Beyond all faiths, past reach of wealth, past freedom, past desire,
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is my attire.

Virtue and vice, or pleasure and pain are not my heritage,
Nor sacred texts, nor offerings, nor prayer, nor pilgrimage:
I am neither food, nor eating, nor yet the eater am I -
Consciousness and joy incarnate, Bliss of the Blissful am I.

I have no misgiving of death, no chasms of race divide me,
No parent ever called me child, no bond of birth ever tied me:
I am neither disciple nor master, I have no kin, no friend -
Consciousness and joy am I, and merging in Bliss is my end.

Neither knowable, knowledge, nor knower am I, formless is my form,
I dwell within the senses but they are not my home:
Ever serenely balanced, I am neither free nor bound -
Consciousness and joy am I, and Bliss is where I’m found.

The concept of Advaita Vedanta (non-dualistic philosophy)rendered in Iyengar (1966: p.53)

Grey Matter November 1, 2011

As I reach the third month of being away, from the place I identify with as “home”, I am overjoyed by where this journey has taken me. Thailand has provided a breeding ground for new perspective, the revealing of new creative means, and a sanctuary for full unhindered self-expression. Rationalizing what has been gained (so far) along the way is near impossible. Mainly because i am still, very much, receiving the gifts of Thailand. The interesting thing about this place is the subtlety for which it makes its visitors acknowledge the grace of living. In its own way it continually proves to be a complete paradox of revelations. It instigates its guests to diminish the importance in minute challenges while eloquently emphasizing the brilliance that can be had in relishing the small details of living.The smooth rhythm that is the “Thai way of life” has been gladly and fully absorbed. And with it I clearly see the ramifications of how external conditions can, without a doubt, threaten the progression of our internal selves. All prior, fast paced Western, ideology of how I thought life “should” be enjoyed has dramatically altered. My intentions behind living have found new momentum, new substance, and new clarity.

Pai, the exquisite place I am currently staying, has included me in its brilliant stillness, exposed me to the deepening rewards of meditation, and welcomed me into the beautiful world of Yoga. As I discover myself, I am uncovering truths about the diversified world i am a part of, and it is transforming my entire vision. I fully recognize that in bettering my own self, I am facilitating a way to become a more positive (productive) member of a collective happiness. While investing in my own light- I am guaranteeing a longer shelf life to share that light with others. And that awareness has dramatically changed my understanding of giving and the importance of sustained self love.

My motives for traveling to South East Asia were based on my desire to be of service in the global atmosphere. What I have found, above all else, is the moment one reaches completely outside of them self, to live intrinsically as part of the whole rather than as an individual motivated by personal desire, the whole world presents itself (at your disposal) with the same intent to love you back- as you sought to love it.

My travels have introduced me to an enhanced version of the person I was when I arrived and shown me the magnitude of happiness that is just waiting to be received.This experience is radically impacting the purpose behind how I intend to travel through the rest of my life, while it seems evermore apparent that what we all seek to find can be grasped in no particular location but inside. “A place” can certainly ignite personal awakening but, it is the person who first possessed the spark who is responsible for maintaining an awakened state of living. As I continue growing through this extraordinary journey I realize I will return to the place I came- with richer appreciation, compassion, and intent to love- and for all of those reasons… I am indebted to Thailand for enabling me to fall even more deeply in love with being.

Growing Wiser,
Getting Younger.
Conceptualizing time in a reverse hourglass
filling itself Up-
pulsating with intense-
Exhilaration
at the thought of being-
itself.

As illusions fade
the lines of years,
smeared mindlessly,
on the face- melt.
The repetitious pattern of,
what we think are, scars-
relax into themselves
And where there was a mark-
no more but Glad remains.

in its Place
as a stand-in-
a rePlacement to the void
of- Every Thing.
to All-
it takes the Shape-
of All forms.

the Wrist,
of our heavy laden hearts,
frees itself-
And the clock,
The Clock of our fathers-
reassembles itself-
to be
what we Need-

Time-Less energy
circulating the earthly ground we walk on
And- Now-
once we’ve Lost
All track
All conception
All Manifestation -
of a world that tells us we
“need to be on time”-

We are set free
by the hands that have binded-
imprisoned our dendrites,
to stagnation,
for so god damn long.

And- in releasing that notion-
those notions-
“The” Notion-
that we “Need” to be
“Something”,
we- Instantly- Become what we never knew
our-selves needed-

Freedom.
from our-self.

shackles dismantled
emotions unhindered
thoughts unleashed-
to dance in the galactic playground,
our cosmic heart channels remember,
like a dream-
on the edge of always being,
real-
clasped in the infinite dome of all existence
And
human perspective.

What a Gift the clock has been-
in treating a symptom It has caused-
reality. Realistic Delusion.
Self- made bondage.
and yet,
its hands-
never truly, ever, existed-
but, as figments
of our Crying imagination-

Seeking to Stop-
Wanting to Reverse-
And Finding that Both were
always, Always-

Possible.

If not for the promise of:
completing lists,
accomplishing chores,
living scheduled-
were we ever meant to feel
the prominent impact of Being

with out-
All of the Above-

in a place where Time means
What we Deem-
What we feel-
minute, by minute, by minute-
and- Not a Second More.
Because,

in loosing precious time-
We Know-
we are Granted,
Beyond all priceLess moments,
The Gift- of
eternity.

“25″. GRB. 10/30/11

i write. October 24, 2011

I write.
It’s kinda my “thing”.
My dope.
Planted and harvested exclusively in my mind-

Compelling Complexity of human-Nature,
instigates,
the Progression of my Reality.

I am the queen of Hearts-
in a house of cards.
Re- arranging,
Re- configuring,

re-miniscing-
what it feels like, to be-
born.

Building, Crumbling
Creating, Collapsing.
Always Writing,
Never the “writer” -

Waiting
for the “thing” which calls itself to be-
written about.

Repetition taunts my hand
re- teaching itself how to move
My mind-
re- learning, how to think.

Imagination.
unFlowering-
the pedals of my Perception.

Words linger in the air.
Above my conscience vision-
Stalling,
Yet, Anticipating.

the Discovery of Me-
to it,
to Them-

A Blank Page our “home”-
“The Perfect” Real-ationship

I find it-
the Words find me.
The pen-
finds the paper.
And-
Something is Born.

Birthed from Memory-
Void of replication.
Authentically produced.

I desire no method,
to follow no Guru, or-
Perscribe to practice, not of my own-
personal Evolution.

To Write-
It is my Zen.

That singular, solitary place,
In a chaotic stream of living-
consistently, consciously
intuned with the Energy
that occupies its Space-

And Here-
I get to feel-
Me.
here-
Is wHere it’s Real,

Simple.

Here is where I sit,
and I write.
because-
it’s kinda my “thing”.

The Purest,
cheapest,
-High-
I’ve ever felt.

“perfection”-
A State of mental manipulation.
The Poem, writes itself.

The writer- merely an instrument.
for Thought,
Longing to be, exhaled,
in the Human Sphere
of- “Knowing”.
to Share- to Relate- to-
Exist.

My Thoughts-
are not mine to keep.
They are there- to be-
Shared.
Felt- on a larger scale,
Absorbed- in a grander atmosphere.

I write to be heard.
I write to Hear-
my-Self.
I write words.
To Be felt-
never read.

“12″. GRB. 10/5/11.

Food for Thought October 19, 2011

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
-Melody Beattie

“If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I won’t grow up.” -Peter Pan October 17, 2011

The world is a Playground- begging to be found.
Our life, an instrument, full of sound.
Each day- a song we forget to play.
Years bring fear to us,
they make us too serious.
Let down your guard,
The game begins in your own yard.

Eat Joyfully from the fruit of its tree,
Accept the challenging mystery.
Rejoice in the subtlety of blessings-
that pour themselves onto you-
to us,
to all-
each. day.
In hopes we will simply play!

Remarkable is the sun,
bringing new promise-
thrilling adventures,
waiting to be lived,
seeking the fruition of their capacity.
interlocking
your joy, with its.

make sublime music out of living-
no need to stop
until- you’re amused.
Or a Muse-
for your own artistic expression
to be.
embodied, grasped and then-
Shared.

Learn to Master the Art of a Day.
Swing or Slide-
there’s no right way.
Monkey Bar yourself to bliss,
Relish in a Sandbox kiss.
And if the Grown Up comes your way-
Beg yourself to Stay and Play.

Marvel in the grass, so green-
wide-eyed curiosity.
Determine your mind to remember the Child-
that spends its days in quest of play.
Make a Discovery Every Day.
Decide to avoid getting old and gray.

Grow, Grow, Blossom, and Flow
Find your inner gardener and Sow-
A day filled with Yes
instead of no.

let down your hair,
kick off your shoes.
the tip-toer never had very much fun-
so find a Forest, get naked, and Run!

Be not afraid of a little dirt,
it’s a fact that even the “clean” get hurt.

So, before you knot yourself in a suit
or
Painfully tramp in those uncomfortable shoes-
Think again
About being Your friend-
And Find a way to Remember to Play!

“17″ GRB 10/15/11 -Pai, Thailand

A Unit. September 29, 2011

I was a loved child,
safe and warm.
Comforted by the guiding hand
of parents who cared.

A Unit was built.
Upon which I could put full trust-
and faith.
A blanket of compassion
nurtured me yet,
it did not confine or-
distort perception.

A silent compass lead the way
Refusing to solve the riddle for me-
It, instead, offered a world of many paths.
Doors and Options- endless.
No limits, One Objective:
Find the me in life- that suits Me.

as I Grew- my unit evolved.
It clarified my adolescent mind and-
remained constant.
As environment shifted-
it persisted.
It held me like a baby.
Teaching me how,
To Stand-

Proudly I wear these shoes because,
I was given the freedom to choose which pair fit.
To live as I felt living,
To love those I loved,
and a choice To Be- as is.

Strong.
It has never wavered.
It has not been broken.
Inspiring self progression.
It satisfies my older-self,
and this human craving for connection.
It has fed my dreams with wisdom.

This Love has Taught me How to Love.
It has been my Mother-
my Father
my brother
And my best Friend.

Never questioning existence,
It always existed.
It was a thing to be counted on-
Something to count on.
and A Unit which I continue counting on.

The little girl in me wants to hold onto this Love-
The essence of its being- beauty.
As is. Forever.
but, my evolving-self Knows.
it can not.

As I chase the doubt of fear,
which demands mindfulness,
Losing this Love, as I now know it,
in this capacity- has faded.
This is A Unit that will Thrive.

It will exist in a new dimension -
of Being- It.
And,
can only change forms-
to realize itself in the next world.

It is a Love that transcends Present boundaries-
in this state-of-mind.
Ever changing presence -
too deep for the deepest poet to illustrate-
A thing of magnificence,
too magnificent for the greatest mind to rationalize.

A Unit can only be felt.
And felt it is.
GRATEFUL am I for those I call family-
My Soul Group.

We Shall always be as we are.
Now-
One in Love
One in Space.
One in Mind

My unit gave me the world,
I needed,
to find my One-ness in this multi dimensional existence.
Joyful am I to have been loved,
to be loved -
and to forever know what it means to love…